A Tariffic War

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A Tariffic War
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Details
Story type
Main Goal
Event
The Zapp Brannigan Event
Act
1
Next Goal
Nuclear Proportions


A Tariffic War is one of the goals in Futurama: Worlds of Tomorrow. It is the first main goal of the The Zapp Brannigan Event.

Story[edit | edit source]

Part 1

Description[edit source]

Zapp announces import tariffs.

Objectives

Rewards[edit source]

  • 100 DOOP Supplies 500 XP

Story[edit | edit source]

Kif I'll have to cancel our date, Amy. Zapp suddenly announced the DOOP is instituting interplanetary import tariffs, and I've got to do some damage control.

Amy Interplanetary tariffs? I'm no economist, but aren't we more reliant on low-priced imports than our trading partners are? It's a recipe for disaster!

Kif Look, I know we planned to spend our date discussing macroeconomic theory...

Kif ...but as sexy as you make it sound, I just can't.


Kif Are you sure these import tariffs are a good idea, sir? They may cause a trade war with other planets.

Zapp A wise man once said, "Trade wars are good and easy to win."

Zapp That wise man was me. I said it after the other planets criticized me for imposing those tariffs that everybody agrees I never imposed.

Zapp Except now I may have to already have imposed them. It's a total witch hunt!

Kif [SIGH]

Zapp Repeat after me: witch hunt!


Part 2

Description[edit source]

Alien planets ally against DOOP.

Objectives

Rewards[edit source]

  • 100 DOOP Supplies 500 XP

Admiral Chu Tell me, Florp -- is Trisol as worried about these new DOOP tariffs as we Carcarons are?

Florp Damn skippy, Admiral Chu. We Trisolians buy most of our bottling equipment from DOOP-- hang on, though. I thought you guys only spoke Carcaron.

Admiral Chu Oh, I've spent the past five years learning English.

Florp What's English?


Admiral Chu Listen, Florp, we can't take these DOOP tariffs lying down. Do you think your Prime Minister would be interested in an economic alliance with the Carcaron homeworld?

Florp I don't know. I'll have to talk it over with myself.

Admiral Chu You? I thought you were a standup comedian. How did you become Prime Minister?

Florp The traditional way. I won open mic night.


Part 3

Description[edit source]

Zapp feels the pressure.

Objectives

Rewards[edit source]

  • 100 DOOP Supplies 500 XP

Linda van schoonhoven: In tonights news, Zapp Brannigan has enacted tariffs on all non-Earch planets, provoking a barrage of retaliatory counter-tariffs.

Linda van schoonhoven: Tensions are running high as consumers feel the pinch of higher prices. Earthicans have already taken to the streets to protest higher prices on Neptunian avocados.

Morbo In other words, "DOOOOOOOMMMMM!"

Morbo Morbo needs guacamole to cover his acne.



Morbo Zapp Brannigan faces mounting intergalactic pressure as his tariffs take effect.

Morbo Can his puny Earthling mind be any more feeble?

Linda van schoonhoven: I guess we'll just have to wait and see, Morbo.

Morbo IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!


Part 4

Description[edit source]

Admiral Chu declares war.

Objectives

Rewards[edit source]

  • 100 DOOP Supplies 500 XP

Admiral Chu Brannigan's economic aggression cannot stand. If counter-tariffs will not dissuade him, we must use more forceful methods.

Florp Got it. A series of podcasts that people who already agree with us will listen to while they walk their dogs.

Admiral Chu No! The only choice is open warfare!

Florp You can be the serious guy with deep ideas, and I'll be the funny guy who brings the snark and does the mattress commercials.


Admiral Chu I regret to inform you, Captain, that the Carcarons and the Trisolians have declared war on the DOOP and its allied planets.

Zapp You want a fight, Chu? Bring it on. I've decimated many armies in my time.

Admiral Chu I'm not aware that you've ever won a single battle, Captain.

Zapp I wasn't talking about enemy armies.


Part 5

Description[edit source]

.

Objectives

Rewards[edit source]

  • 100 DOOP Supplies 500 XP

Zapp Hello, Leela. The Carcarons and the Trisolians have teamed up to declare a very sexy war on the DOOP, and I'd like you and your friends to lead the offense.

Leela Why should we fight your war?

Zapp Because if Brannigan loses to a bunch of fish-men and water-bottles, it'll be bad for morale. But if your ragtag band of misfits loses, no one will care.

Leela Really? If we lose, won't people ask why you sent a bunch of civilians to fight two planetary armies instead of leading our forces yourself?

Zapp If we lose, I won't hear people asking that in my hiding place.


Zapp We could use a man like you for our army, Fry. How do you think you'd do as cannon fodder?

Fry Great! One summer I worked as the Human Cannonball at Coney Island. They'd load me in a cannon, then I snuck down through a secret tunnel to the net.

Fry Meanwhile they fired a dummy through the air into the net, and then I'd switch places with it and triumphantly accept the cheers of the crowd.

Zapp So you're an expert! I'm putting you in command of your own artillery unity.


Part 6

Description[edit source]

Amy and Kif deal with the war.

Objectives

Rewards[edit source]

  • 100 DOOP Supplies 500 XP

Amy What do you mean, the DOOP's at war? We'll never be able to go on our date now!

Kif I'm sorry, but I can't take time off when the fate of Earth hangs in the balance.

Amy Why not? It's not like you have military responsibilities. All you do is give Zapp Brannigan foot massages!

Kif You don't understand, Amy. Those foot massages are the only thing stopping Zapp from utilizing the nuclear option.


Kif Once the war is over, I'll take you on that date.

Amy Not if I break up with you first.

Kif Now, let's not get emotional.

Amy Emotional? Says the guy who cries while making love!

Kif I offered to hold my tears in, but you said they were endearing!


Part 7

Description[edit source]

Zapp gets chewed out.

Objectives

Rewards[edit source]

  • 100 DOOP Supplies 500 XP

Zapp According to my calculations, we're winning this war in record time.

Leela Umm... no. We've suffered heavy casualties and the war just started.

Zapp Then my calculations are off.

Zapp The important thing is, I'm not a nerd for using math.


Glab Captain Brannigan! Who gave you the authority to enact import tariffs?

Zapp Nobody. In true Brannigan style, I gave it to myself. Impressed?

Glab Absolutely not. You're responsible for the catastrophe this war is turning into!

{{dialogue|zapp| With all due respect, Madame President, I don't think you understand how "true Brannigan style" works.


Part 8

Description[edit source]

Zapp's enemies multiply.

Objectives

Rewards[edit source]

  • 100 DOOP Supplies 500 XP

Fry Captain Brannigan, sir! Dozens more hostile planets have joined the Carcaron-Trisol alliance!

Zapp Then we'll have to respond accordingly. Suit up, soldier.

Fry I can't. DOOP didn't have enough uniforms to give out.

Zapp Really? You'd think with all the soldiers we've lost, we'd have some extra hand-me-downs.


Admiral Chu I suggest you surrender, Captain Brannigan. You are way out of your league.

Zapp That hasn't stopped me before, Admiral -- either in war or in love.

Admiral Chu [...]

Zapp Which one are we talking about here?


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